infinity, she said

Friday, March 25, 2005

deja vu

i still have that strange feeling people dont accept who i am or perhaps what i have become; and that they hate me. it burns me inside; afterall, naruto said loneliness is the worst pain to feel and somewhat i do agree. perhaps i asked too much from them, a compliment or an assurance that i still have someone to lean on. is that the attention claimed from inez that eunice hates so much? i do admit i am an attention seeker, sometimes to the extend i hurt others obliviously. i still think t1a3 hates me. perhaps when we're growing older, such politics arise and friendship is no longer that pure. we consider too much of manipulation behind each other's faces and the expressions given are usually facades. words mouthed are also lies. then again, perhaps that's all we can give from ourselves to the others, our hearts and minds belong to other people from the past whom we've met earlier. the rest are just passerbys? expectations and disappointments, we forgive but we dont forget. yes, we dont forget. i guess i have asked too much from others, a position in their hearts. a recognition that i exist. i wouldn't like anyone to be angry at me; never again do i want to lose ...someone. so, what is a friend?

everyone has opinions of each other. their perspectives of friendship differ, yet in order to accommodate each other, we change and we give in. then again, it's also up to the individual to think that whatever they have forked out is worth its value or just trash. it is also up to the individual to think whether they have been treated like a friend or like trash. it's not like i've done something illegal; i'm just reflecting on my actions and their reactions. and my reflection tells me you dislike me, that's all. i need assurance.

on a lighter note, yay! naruto 253 is out, although it is a untranslated version, the pictures are so nice :) lee, tenten and neji have all grown up, yummy pictures... hmmm hmmm. and i have always been like that, i have to accept it myself too, you know. i do like to live in my own reality, and i am now like that in others' reality. yes, an attention seeking individual.

i wonder from whom would you like to receive that one message from, mr? i would like to think it's from me. yes, from me.

you have never reacted to me, and sometimes i wish you did. i wish you told me something, something i can understand from you. how you felt about this and that, about me, about those letters. i do not understand you. i think i have given in more than i could. perhaps you had too. ihateyouihateyouihateyou, sometimes.

1:21 AM